Sexual communication is a powerful resource in couples’ relationships. However, researchers have struggled to clarify how dimensions of sexual communication (frequency, disclosure, and quality) differ from one another and what factors moderate these associations.

This study’s results suggest that individualism and gender inequality weaken the association between sexual communication and sexual satisfaction. The findings also suggest that future studies explore the moderators of these associations to enhance understanding of their underlying mechanisms.

1. Know Your Partner’s Likes and Dislikes

Sexual satisfaction is a complex phenomenon. It is influenced by both personal and interpersonal factors. In recent years, dyadic research on sexual satisfaction has emphasized that couples can facilitate sexual satisfaction through communication about sexual likes and dislikes. Communication about sex and sexual fantasies is also a way for partners to build trust and intimacy. Satisfied couples tend to have more frequent and detailed discussions about sex and sexual desires than dissatisfied couples.

Developing the ability to communicate openly and honestly about sex is a process. It’s important to be patient and not pressure your partner to reveal everything all at once. It is often more effective to start with the simplest things and work your way up to more challenging sexual conversations.

A good place to start is by discussing what kind of physical contact you both enjoy in the bedroom. For example, if you like to be held while having sex or you have trouble reaching orgasm, it’s important to tell your partner this information so they can adjust their approach accordingly. You may also find that some forms of touch increase your arousal, while others make you feel uncomfortable.

There are many ways to talk about sexual fantasies and preferences, including verbal and nonverbal communication. Some couples make a point to check in about their sexual satisfaction with one another during a nonsexual situation, such as during dinner or a walk. Others find it helpful to use a journal or other tools to keep track of their feelings about sex and sexual desire.

When it comes to sexual communication, it’s important to remember that people’s needs and desires change over time. It’s also important to recognize that certain things are not compatible with a relationship. For example, if your partner is not interested in kink or doesn’t want to be inverted during sex, then you should discuss this with them before continuing the relationship. If you’re not sure what to do, then it may be helpful to get the advice of a sex therapist or other professional who can help you navigate this conversation.

2. Talk About Consent

When talking about sex with our partners, it is often a challenge to find the right way to bring up consent. We tend to think of consent as a one-way street, with one partner making advances and the other partner accepting or declining them. However, sex is much more nuanced than that. Consent is something that needs to be continually negotiated and that means both partners need to know their likes, dislikes, comfort levels, boundaries, and enthusiasm.

For some, this may be a new way of thinking about sexual interaction, and for others, it might not be a change at all. This is why it’s important to keep the dialogue around sex open and honest. The more people can talk about what they want and don’t want, the less likely it is that something will go wrong.

Conversations about sex need to happen in an environment where both partners are safe and comfortable. This is especially true for adolescents, as they are often influenced by the idealized depictions of sex in movies and novels (Cook, 2000).

Ideally, conversations about sex should take place early in the relationship. This is because adolescent children and teens who have regular discussions about sex are more able to articulate their preferences, feelings, and boundaries. This lays the groundwork for more open and direct conversations as they get older.

As a therapist, I have found that adolescents are more willing to discuss sensitive topics if these conversations are not forced. It is also a good idea to find opportunities to initiate these discussions through everyday activities, such as watching TV or movies, playing games, and sharing experiences.

It is also important to remember that it’s not just women’s prerogative to say no, but everyone’s. And that just because you agreed to something once doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind at any time.

It’s also important to remind young adults that consent isn’t just about sex; it’s about all types of sexual activity, such as kissing, hugging, cuddling, and touching someone in a non-sexual way.

3. Ask Your Partner What They Want

If you’re not sure what to ask, try starting by asking your partner if there is anything they want more of or less of in the bedroom. Asking about sex can feel scary and awkward, but it’s important to talk openly about it so that both of you are satisfied.

When discussing sex, it’s often helpful to use sexual language to describe what you’re feeling. This can be a sexy turn-on for your partner and can help you to bond by discussing feelings. It’s also a great way to find out what turns your partner on and how they like to experience pleasure.

It’s important to make this a regular part of your conversations about sex. You might even consider having a monthly or biweekly “jam session” where you discuss sexual satisfaction with your partner. This can be a safe space where you can express any feelings or concerns you have without fear of judgment or blame.

When talking about sex, it’s also important to listen to your partner and respect their boundaries. They may have a hard limit that they’ll never cross, or it might be something that they don’t mind doing in controlled situations. Listening to their response and finding a middle ground can be a fun way to explore new sexy adventures and find out what works for both of you.

If you’ve been afraid to speak up about what you want in the bedroom, many reasons might be. You might have been taught that you shouldn’t talk about your sexual desires, or you might have experienced negative sexual experiences in the past with partners who wouldn’t listen to what you wanted. Regardless of the reason, you can learn to be more confident in communicating what you want, and your partner will appreciate it.

The best way to become comfortable with talking about sex is to practice with friends or other couples. If you’re unsure of how to begin, try starting by letting your partner know that you want to have more conversations about sex and ask them for tips.

4. Be Open and Honest

Many people find it difficult to discuss their sexual desires because they fear judgment or rejection. However, communicating openly and honestly can lead to greater comfort and satisfaction for both partners. It is also important to remember that boundaries and preferences may change over time, so communication should be an ongoing process rather than a one-time conversation.

When discussing your wants and needs, try to focus on expressing how they relate to your emotional connection with your partner and how you feel emotionally supported by them. When you share your feelings, it can give your partner permission to do the same and explore new experiences together. It is also a good idea to paraphrase what your partner says and summarize it back to them, which shows that you are actively listening and seeking clarity.

If your partner expresses a “No” to a particular request, it is essential that you respect their decision and do not try to wear them down. Trying to force a “Yes” can be considered assault and is against the law. Instead, look for a middle ground and try to see if there is a way that they might be satisfied by something else.

In addition, it is important to communicate with your partner throughout the entire sexual experience. If they begin to express discomfort or use their safeword, you must respond appropriately and promptly. It is also important to discuss cultural expectations before engaging in sexual activities, as these can influence the dynamics of the relationship.

Lastly, it is helpful to talk about sex regularly to establish a comfortable communication routine. Some couples make it a habit to check in on their sexual satisfaction on a weekly or twice-monthly basis, while others may schedule specific times to discuss their sexual desires and boundaries. Regardless of how often you choose to speak about your wants and needs, the discussion must take place in a private space where each person feels comfortable opening up.

Be sure to approach this type of conversation with a positive attitude. It is helpful to highlight the benefits of talking about your sexual satisfaction with your partner, such as the possibility of deeper emotional intimacy and connection. Moreover, it is important to keep in mind that communication about your sexual needs can be challenging, especially when you are first starting, but it will become easier over time.